THIS IS AN ECONOMY OF MEANS
February Round-Up :-)
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Table
by Ann Lauterbach
People gather. They
eat, drink, speak. They
are among themselves
happily. They
celebrate this or that
occasion.
The cat
does not like
the cat door I installed.
It is not transparent.
I removed the flap. Now
the cat goes through
an open opening.
A distant
sound, a small engine
in the sky. I recall
planes at night when
I was a child. I feared
they carried bombs.
There is something called
a transcendent table.
That is, the table does not
exist, but the idea does.
Plato’s table.
I wish to be clear.
Clarity is not the same
as the literal. I object
to the literal.
What does this mean?
We had best pay
attention
to what we care about.
This is an economy of means.
To observe that life
pivots between care
and neglect.
My mother, an
alcoholic,
was cruel
when she was drunk.
She inhabits the pole
of neglect.
Care within
a paradigm of neglect
is tricky if
there is no thought of
a transcendent table.
🌀
Riley sent me that Ann Lauterbach poem this morning and it felt like such a good February poem. This is an economy of means. Feels like a mantra I could’ve been repeating to myself the whole of February, a month where I was (and still am) so broke & deeply in the negatives but continuously resourced in and paying attention to the things I care about: my quiet space, literature, my writing, my dreams, my prayers & my movement practice— the means of my personal economy. I have just a few things to share ❤️🌀
The Cowboy by Ben Estes a brief and wonderful read.
I’ve been working my way through Who is Wellness For? An Examination of Wellness Culture and Who It Leaves Behind by Fariha Roisin. This book is made up of both research and personal narrative and I’m moving through it rather slowly because it’s a difficult read and asks me to stop every few pages and assess what I am feeling in my body and where it’s coming from. In the chapter on body dysmorphia, Fariha writes about being conditioned to be ashamed of her body as a young child, well into adolescence and some of her adulthood by her mother and the effects that had on how she relates to herself now. Conditioning conditions you. This reminded me of something a teacher said while I was at the meditation retreat back in June — “Each thought conditions the next”. I think about this while I’m at the barre or watching myself dance in class. We are our own positive and negative feedback loops.
I love the image of my grandmother at the top of this letter. She appeared to me in a dream last month. She was first herself in a wheelchair, which she only used during the last years of her life and then later, she spoke to me from the body of a dog. Arnell pointed out to me that dogs are both companions and loyal protectors. This all speaks to me given the context of the dream, which I’m holding closely.
I thought of her and all the time we used to spend together when I was a child while I was reading this letter that Richard Feynman wrote to his dead wife. I’ve been grieving the fact that I wasn’t more of a caretaker for her in the last years of her life — through no real fault of my own, but the grief is felt nevertheless.
I find it hard to understand in my mind what it means to love you after you are dead — but I still want to comfort and take care of you — and I want you to love me and care for me. I want to have problems to discuss with you — I want to do little projects with you.
This bumper sticker I saw on my way to work, late:
I was so glad to run into these slides of Édouard Glissant discussing the importance of accepting the opacity of others and ourselves. He is speaking mainly politically though the poetics of his theory of the right to opacity feels more expansive to me. I’ve been thinking a lot about how I find myself trying to be very clear with people, to be clearly understood as an invitation to receive the same, and when I don’t it’s easy to get jumbled up about it. Though if the idea here is that I limit others (& myself) by imposing transparency/clarity, I wonder when I can expect these things. It’s all a big question mark. The Virgo/Pisces axis is asking me to play with spaciousness and form a lot lately.
I’ve added this tincture made for grief support into my spiritual practice, you can read more about it here:
Riley was in conversation with Eileen Myles re: the anthology they just edited called Pathetic Literature 🥺 Big moment for Riley, I cried…a lot. It was such an intimate scene to watch folks from the audience read different stories and poems from the book. I took 1,000,000 screenshots from the Twitch live stream. It’ll be on Deep Vellum’s youtube page soon for you to also enjoy!
My boss gave me this bottle of Cacique Maravilla Pipeño and it is, perhaps, my new favorite natty red wine (for now!).
I updated my website (maghwrites.com) with cooking gigs I have coming up this year. If you’re in/near Western Mass, would love for you to join me at Atland Residency for a contact improv workshop led by Jungwoong Kim & Lily Kane!!
This piece by Deanna Bowen speaks to me:
I can’t stop looking at this image of Solange…her natural hair is so beautiful.
Lastly, my away message for March:
What Is This in Reference To? or We Must Get Together Sometime Soon!
by June Jordan
Hello.
I’m sorry.
I can’t talk to you.
I am unavailable.
I am out of the house.
I am out of town.
I am out of the country.
I am out of my mind.
I am indisposed.
The cat has my tongue.
Please do not hang up.
I know this is frustrating
ridiculous
solipsistic
inconvenient
mechanical
and
a pain in the ass
Please listen for the beep.
When you hear the beep
please leave a message as long as you like
or better still
please leave a brief message
or better yet
state your purpose in concise
readily decipherable terms and be sure
to leave your name your number
the time
the date
the place
and a list of secret desires underlying this conventional
even hackneyed outreach represented
by
your call.
This is your dime.
Listen for the beep. Sucker.